Here’s the facts: Your kids are going to see porn. Probably sooner than you think. A 2016 survey indicates the AVERAGE age of first exposure to pornography is 11 years old. Average, meaning some children are being exposed to illicit images and videos as early as 8.
There are lots of resources out there for how to talk with your kids about sex, including pornography. The focus of this conversation is developing an intentional NON-SHAMING response when your child approaches you about this.
Most of us will only get ONE shot at this, so it’s critical that we are not caught off guard. The unfortunate truth is that IF your child takes the risk to be vulnerable and approach you about sex and your response in any way communicates shame, then they likely will avoid at all costs any future conversations. Most of us have our own story about trying to talk with our parents about sex. Many of us have a pretty deep wound from the subsequent shame that resulted from those conversations.
As a marriage and family therapist who works predominantly with men who are wrestling with pornography and sexual addiction, I have heard countless stories about the ways parents approached this subject, and the hurt and shame my clients have carried for years because of mostly unintentional messaging they received.
When it comes to pornography addiction, I believe that SHAME IS THE ROOT AND ADDICTION IS THE FRUIT (not the other way around) OF THE TREE. For anyone caught in the secretive trap of pornography addiction, their foundational question is “why can’t I stop?” and their fundamental belief (shame core) is likely “something is wrong with me/I am broken/a failure, etc.” These messages are learned quite young and they are incredibly difficult to reverse and uproot.
As parents, we will not be able to prevent our kids from seeing pornography. We CAN control creating the type of non-shaming environment in our homes that invite open-ended conversations.
Here’s a few ways you can foster that environment and prepare the groundwork for a healthy sense of self and sexuality in your kid:
- Remember that your child is NOT CULPABLE in this situation.
- Your child did not create pornography. It is not his/her fault that he/she viewed these images.
- Your child was EXPOSED to pornography, and did not (initially at least) seek it out intentionally.
- If your child returned of his own volition to porn because porn elicited curiosity and/or desire in him, then pornography DID ITS JOB.
- COMMUNICATE GRACE and AFFIRM CURIOUSITY
- I heard a therapist once whose message to his son when he told him he had seen pornography was, “I’m so glad you came to me about this. And I’m so sorry you had to see that.” Can you imagine – just imagine! – how that would have felt to you in those early teenage years?
- Most kids will have an inherent sense there is something bad or dirty about what they’ve seen. The (developmentally appropriate) egocentric mindset of a pre-teen will likely internalize this in some way to a shame message, “I am bad for watching this.” SPEAK TO THIS DIRECTLY.
- Ask questions about what it was like for them to see this video and how it made them feel about themselves.
- Reiterate and affirm that curiosity and desire around this is not only normal, but a GREAT THING! “I’m so glad you’re growing up and maturing into a man/woman!”
- Remind them that you do not hold them culpable.
- Name outright any shame message you suspect he received and remind your son of the truth!
- Many kids just won’t approach their parents about this, but will rather at some point be discovered. If you find your child viewing pornography, remember that shame/anger/disapproval may prevent them from returning for a time, but kindness and grace will cultivate in your kid’s heart a desire for healthy sexuality and further vulnerability. “I’m so sorry you haven’t felt safe enough to talk to me about this yet. I bet you’re feeling “caught” right now. Please don’t! It’s my responsibility to talk to you about this and I’m sorry I didn’t do that earlier …”
- Invite a VULNERABLE CONVERSATION; don’t LECTURE.
- Acknowledge it was likely very anxiety provoking for him/her to come to you.
- Share stories about what it was like for you to speak to your parents.
- Model authentic vulnerability and share some of your own journey with pornography and how it has impacted you (or your friends if you have not personally been impacted).
- Concede that your kid viewing this material is not going to be a one-time occurrence. Ask him how he would like to handle this in the future and what appropriate boundaries he would like to put in place for media in your home. Game plan/role play a response she can use when her friend tries to show her illicit material on her phone. Something simple and socially acceptable like, “I’m not into that,” might be all that’s needed.
- Be mindful of the messages you may unintentionally be sending around parental controls.
- I have a client whose father was so fearful of his sons watching pornography that he literally kept the computer under lock and key. And while I can have a lot of grace for that father’s fears and appreciate his heart in the matter, the message he unwittingly communicated very loudly to his boys was, “you are untrustworthy.” Sadly, the shame-based belief became a self-fulfilling prophecy, as this man deeply internalized and continues to act out this shameful message.
- Negotiate boundaries and appropriate consequences together. Your child needs to understand what you do and do not find acceptable. “It is really important to your mom and I that we protect you as much as possible from this sort of content. What kinds of ideas do you have for how we can do this?, etc.”
Lastly, please be mindful not to allow your own shame surrounding this conversation to pass on to your kids. If you are stuck in the cycle of pornography or sex addiction, please know you’re not alone. You’ve undoubtedly tried countless ways to tackle this problem on your own, and that’s just not working. I’m very sorry that you fell into this trap and I know you’re hurting. There are some great therapists and resources out there. Commit today to taking some new and different steps to tackle this struggle. Find a support group and a therapist. There’s a man somewhere out there today who is beginning a successful journey into recovery. Who’s to say that can’t be you?