Cold Hands, Hot Shower

Had an interesting object lesson this morning about the need for endurance through suffering.

After dropping the kids off at school, my wife and I took a walk at the park just down the street from our neighborhood.  And it was COLD this morning, probably high 30’s.  I was holding the leash for the dog, so I couldn’t really shield my hands from the temperature as I wanted.  Emily and I both kept informing each other, “man, it’s cold out today,” just to make sure the other hadn’t forgotten!

I got home and fairly immediately hopped in the shower to get ready for work.  Turned the water on, gave it the customary 5 seconds of warm-up time, and stepped right in.  As I turned to splash water on my face, I actually gasped and grimaced, jumping back and practically falling out the shower door.  My hands felt like they were being stabbed and scalded all at the same time!  While I’m sure I’ve experienced this at other times in the past, it sure felt like this was an entirely new form of torture!   I literally said to myself out loud, “this hurts so bad!”

The intensity of the pain took my breath for a moment and my amygdala starting shouting at me to “fight or flight.”  It took a concentrated effort to step back in the shower and remain standing.  Because the pain level in my hands was quite high, I was actually having to focus on the feeling of the water hitting my back and mentally assess the accurate temperature of the water on the rest of my body.  And, unfortunately for me, because I had to hurry, it was necessary for me to use my hands for scrubbing and continue exposing them to the hot water.

As I was standing there, “mind over matter” convincing myself to wash my hair and that the water wasn’t actually scalding me, I realized there was a greater lesson at hand:

I began reflecting on the emotional pain I’ve been walking through lately, and the healing I’ve been seeking from wounds both current and decades past.

And I realized this shower experience is what it’s like to walk through life with a trauma lens.

I was aware during the experience of the duality I was physically experiencing.  The trick of it was that BOTH things were simultaneously true.  My hands WERE experiencing intense pain.  That was 100% true.  It would have been inaccurate and likely unhelpful for me to hear in that moment, “your hands aren’t really hurting.”  They most certainly were.

Yet, there was a greater truth; while the feelings in my body were of pain and suffering, that “truth” wasn’t exactly an accurate reflection of the reality of the situation.  The greater truth was that the water was not scalding and I was okay.  The greater truth was that my body had been exposed to some “harmful” elements and my senses had adapted accordingly.  (Okay, so 37 degrees is harmful enough to skin that’s been conditioned to Los Angeles temperatures for two decades!) 

It was critical for me, in those moments of intense pain, to hold on to the greater truth in order to endure the suffering.  

There’s a powerful word for me in this; my ability to endure the painful heartache of the past (and often present) is directly correlated to my ability to hang on to the greater truth that the feelings of pain may not be the most accurate perspective on what’s true about me, or about the love, care, support and nurture those around me seek to offer.

What I also thought was so crazy was that the feelings of pain didn’t resolve within a minute or two, as I anticipated.  I went through the entire shower with hands on fire.  It seemed there was another lesson in this too … the longer the exposure to the difficult elements, the longer I need to expect the adjusting to take.  

May you be encouraged today with this; 

• the shame-based beliefs about yourself … 
  • • the hurts from others that scream so so loudly to you about how others can and will abandon and neglect you …
      • • the wounds that insist you are unworthy and unloved … 

… these are not the most true thing about you, my friend.  They hurt, yes, but they can be healed and you can come to know the greater truth in a real, embodied way.  

I’m believing it for me right now.  I’m believing it for you, too.